


second life.

by junfhongs



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, M/M, Post Disbandment AU, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23049940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: post disbandment!AU.Is there no place for me in this big world? Am I alone in this crowded street? Is there no empty seat for me? So far away…
Relationships: Hwang Minhyun/Kim Jonghyun | JR
Comments: 12
Kudos: 64
Collections: Spring Blessings (Nu'est 8th Anniversary Fic Fest)





	second life.

**Author's Note:**

> recommended listening: [Seventeen - Second Life](https://open.spotify.com/track/0z61b7EngKaghmnCqzpXsp?si=SfDvqJRnR4i-dd2pGX13dA) and [Epik High - Home is Far Away (feat. Oh Hyuk)](https://open.spotify.com/track/7A2RLTIRAbncB7EwCV2JRq?si=_pbI81gdRwazOET7VDwj0w)

Minhyun squeezed hard, pressed against the edge of the sink with all his strength, but only managed to scrape off a meager amount of toothpaste. He sighed. Another run to the pharmacy at ten in the evening.

November was a little colder this year, colder than usual. Then again, Tokyo was just a little bit warmer than Seoul, than its cold streets and curious stares of faint recognition. Tokyo was… bustling and busy and _lonely,_ but at least it gave Minhyun enough space to breathe by himself, to breathe of his own accord for the first time in thirty years.

Technically, thirteen _long_ years. Fifteen, if he counted his trainee years. Fifteen years in an industry that worked him to the bone, told him to sit, stand, and stay pretty, nearly spit him out before taking him back in and chewing him up until he was left bare and nearly broken— so yes, maybe Minhyun was a little too eager to get away when he finally could.

Minhyun shoved the box of toothpaste into his coat pocket and bowed at the sleepy part-timer that was dozing off where he stood. Once upon a time, he was a teenager standing behind a convenience store counter in Japan too, except that was from a time in his life that he would much rather forget, lest it spoil his memories of Tokyo yet again.

It was difficult to change his idea of "home". Back then, it was sitting in the kitchen, eating his mom's cooking and talking about how his day went. Then it became a series of dorms with different rooms, different roommates, different people coming in and out of his life. Sometimes it was a recording booth or a couch in a dance studio or the company's pantry, with tables full of instant noodles and cheap energy drinks at two in the morning.

One of those rooms was his favorite. One of those roommates…

Then things happened, life went on, and then he found himself in an apartment in Seoul, drinking and eating those same instant noodles and energy drinks but… alone. Now he was here, in a foreign country with none of the people he spent over half of his life with, and he was totally and completely alone.

Minhyun groaned as his phone alerted him of a session that was scheduled tomorrow with a thirteen-year-old boy, his very first student when he started working here as a vocal coach. When Minhyun made the decision to move to another country, he knew he didn't have a lot of options on where to go and what to do. He found a music school that was willing to offer him a full-time job and aid in applying for his visa, and he only managed to luck out because he discovered that the owner of the school was a fan of him ever since they first stayed in Tokyo over ten years ago. Maybe that experience wasn't _entirely_ as awful as he remembered it to be.

He had been singing all his life, but teaching was… different. He knew he was good at singing, but he never thought he was good enough to be teaching it. Still, it just felt like a new role to fill, another job to do. It helped that he liked singing, that it was the one thing that couldn't be spoiled by everything he experienced in his fifteen-year stint as an idol.

Minhyun turned off his tablet and placed it on top of his bedside table. The clock said it was midnight. Minhyun sighed and wondered where all his time went, where his youth, his dreams, his life vanished off to. Thoughts for later. Thoughts for tomorrow.

———

"Again."

Minhyun sighed as he cracked his knuckles and prepared for another round. They were working on breath support today, something that was getting more and more difficult for Minato as puberty reared its ugly head at his developing voice.

Minato bowed his head. "I'm sorry." This was the worst of all his habits. Minhyun went through that phase, of course, as a humble little trainee. Still, some mistakes were born out of habit; others, from simply not knowing. Minhyun wasn't going to fault Minato for something he was yet to learn, something Minhyun hadn't yet taught. He's still young.

Once upon a time, Minhyun was young too.

Minhyun shook his head. "Take a deep breath, just enough for this phrase, and—"

Most sessions were uneventful: Minato would come in with his backpack slung over his shoulders and his bored gaze; his grandmother would bow and thank him profusely while he stood there awkwardly and waited for her to notice his discomfort; Minhyun would think of Dongho as he sat behind his piano; he'd shake off the longing for noise filling up every square inch of his apartment; he'd give a half-hearted lesson while his mind wandered elsewhere; he'd send Minato home with more comments and a gentle pat on the head; and then he'd be alone again.

"See you on Tuesday," Minato said from the doorway, all quiet and shy. Minhyun didn't know how long he had been staring at the album sitting in his bookshelf and how long Minato had been staring at him in turn.

"Right. Tuesday."

It occurred to Minhyun that he didn't have plans until that session next week. He didn't have plans for the week after that or the next one or the next _month,_ if anyone asked. That was another glaring difference between his life now and his life back then. At some point, he did experience inactivity and the fear of having a career today and then not having it tomorrow. Still, the latter half of it—all the chaos, the joys, the pains, the loss—came with a life that felt like it was being lived _for_ him, not _by_ him.

He stretched his arms over his head and bent back, far back until he was tipping his chair on its hind legs, until the world looked like it was upside down and Minhyun was hanging off the edge.

His phone rang. An alert from an app he hadn't heard from in a while, for people he hadn't heard from but now was starting to want to. Minhyun pulled himself back to the surface. That was… odd, to say the least. A moment of weakness almost made him ignore the alert for later, but suddenly, someone was calling. The face on the screen made Minhyun's eyes widen.

_"Hello?"_

Minhyun didn't know how long it took him to pick up the phone, and he certainly didn't know how long it took him to get his voice out and mutter a quiet, "Hello," in response.

Jonghyun chuckled across the line. Minhyun was the recipient of many of those in their 16 years of friendship, but he didn't think he was going to hear that again ever since he left Korea. _"So, uh. Exactly how many stations away are you from Shinjuku? I'm, uh, a little terrified of getting lost right now."_

Jonghyun's laughter was soft and shaky. The very _real_ situation of Jonghyun being _here_ was starting to dawn on Minhyun. "Um. Shimo-Kitazawa station. I'm a 5-minute walk away from there; I can pick you up." Minhyun paused. "Are you coming over? I'll have to clean up—"

 _"Minhyun, we both know you have nothing to clean up over there."_ Jonghyun was right, obviously, and the feeling of being caught in a lie dwelled bright red on Minhyun's ears. _"Okay, I found that station. I'll see you by the gates, then?"_

This was a cry for help, obviously. Jonghyun was kind of lost in a _kind of_ foreign country, and Minhyun was the only lifeline he was sure he had. This was nothing. This meant nothing.

Minhyun left the house in a daze, nearly forgetting his keys and his coat as he stumbled out of his one-bedroom apartment. He was thinking about… the last time he saw Jonghyun in real life. It was right before he left for Tokyo; he had a little going-away party with his Seoul friends in Jonghyun's apartment. He didn't know why it had to be Jonghyun's place, and he didn't know why it had to be Jonghyun. Still, the blanket of silence that enveloped them as they cleaned up and drove to the airport was… different.

In the middle of a red light, Jonghyun turned to Minhyun and waited for him to stare back with bright, teary eyes. _"You don't have to do this, you know."_

This wasn't the first time they had this conversation. Hell, there were times when it was Minhyun telling Jonghyun these exact words. Somehow, even if the context was always different, the pain in Minhyun's chest was just as sharp, just as deep as ever. _"I know. But I should."_

The rest of the drive passed by in silence, except this time, they were silent because they ran out of words to say. When Jonghyun dropped Minhyun off, all they gave each other was a long, tight hug and a half-hearted, _"See you soon."_

 _"Soon"_ apparently meant over a year later, in the local train station near Minhyun's building. Jonghyun looked exactly the same as he did a year ago, no crazy hair colors or thick makeup distracting people from the raw beauty of his smile. And when Minhyun realized that smile was for _him?_ Wow.

Minhyun's arms were shaking as he enveloped Jonghyun in a hug, burying his face in Jonghyun's neck. He felt arms slowly wrapping around his waist, under his coat. No words for now, not yet. Just the very _real_ feeling of an old friend in his arms.

Jonghyun's luggage made a loud sound as it fell on the pavement, and they pulled away to pick it up. Jonghyun beamed at Minhyun as they stood back up. "Hi," he said, breathy and soft. Minhyun knew his earphones could never do Jonghyun's deep voice justice. It could never come close to hearing Jonghyun's gentle voice in person, to feeling Minhyun's worries disappear as they stood there, staring at each other for an innumerable amount of time.

"Hey." Minhyun smiled and slung Jonghyun's backpack over his shoulder. "Come on, my apartment's this way."

It dawned on Minhyun that this wasn't their first time walking the streets of Tokyo in silence. This was one of their favorite pastimes back when they were exiled here; Jonghyun liked the street food, and Minhyun liked the view. Sometimes it was the other way around.

"You're, uh—"

"Story time later?" Jonghyun said with a huff. "I just finished filming something, and I'm exhausted."

Minhyun felt a rush of panic. "Wait, are you staying over? I don't have a spare room or anything."

"Since when was that a problem?" Minhyun didn't like the lilt of his voice or the subtle quirk of his lips. "I mean, I hope you have a couch."

Minhyun chuckled. "Yeah, alright." He paused and turned a corner. "So if I lived in a shitty studio apartment with no space and a ratty futon, where would you have stayed?"

"The streets?" Jonghyun laughed and bumped elbows with Minhyun. "Come on, we didn't spend a decade of our lives working our ass off just to end up like that."

Well, he was right. They never reached a proper peak in their careers, but they did do well enough to live comfortably for a few more years without thinking too hard about it. All Minhyun had to do was lie low and live simply, and he was bound for a good life. A _good enough_ life.

"Remember that variety show I was guesting in before you left?" Minhyun ignored the pause before his last few words and nodded. "Yeah, I became a regular when they started filming international episodes, and we've been filming for about four days now. I had a plane ticket to go home with the rest of them, but I thought, 'fuck it,' I might as well go and see you."

"And you didn't even call when you got here?" Minhyun wasn't pensive about that, really. "It would have been nice to get a heads up."

Silence. "Yeah, sorry. This was… a spur of the moment thing, I guess."

"I know, I know, it's just— I would have wanted to know you were here."

"You never—" Jonghyun shook his head and smiled up at Minhyun. "Yeah. Slipped my mind. Sorry."

Minhyun knew he would bring that up. Well, technically he _didn't,_ but Minhyun knew he wanted to talk about how Minhyun would go back and forth to Korea and not tell any of them about it. It wasn't… a big deal. His mom was getting sick, and Minhyun didn't want to regret not visiting her while he still could. He didn't see why it had to be a reunion every single time, especially since he was in and out by the weekend.

He was caught by a fan in Hongdae once. Minhyun, reluctant as ever, took a picture with her, and he knew he was going to get some backlash for appearing out of nowhere— but he expected it from the fans, not from his friends.

Suddenly, his phone blew up from Minki's angry stickers and Dongho's texts. The group chat was more alive than it had ever been in months, and all Minhyun could say was, _"sorry. going home tomorrow :("_

And before he could turn off his phone and hide in his sister's apartment until further notice, Jonghyun called. It took a few seconds for Minhyun to gather the courage to pick up the phone and another few seconds for both of them to gather the courage to say a breathy, _"Hello."_

It wasn't a long phone call, but it was their first since Minhyun left. It was their first proper conversation since Minhyun settled down in his apartment and told Jonghyun he needed to rest for a while— and then proceeded to vanish completely. It was the first time they talked while in the same country, the same city, ever since Jonghyun asked him to stay.

Once again, Jonghyun was asking him the same thing. Same shaky breath, but now through Minhyun's shitty phone speakers. Maybe a little less sadness, a little more acceptance that he was going to be rejected yet again.

 _"I have to go,"_ Minhyun said, in all senses of the phrase. Once again, Jonghyun let him go.

Now, there was no more running away. Minhyun thought he would be more afraid of this; instead, all he felt was shame. Jonghyun was quiet for the rest of the walk, but he knew there was more to be said. They had a year to catch up on, but Minhyun felt like he didn't have much to say. Were these the fruits of his labor? Did he really give up his home, his friends, his career, just to be washed-up and alone in a country that didn't feel like home? Maybe Minhyun was starting to understand what Jonghyun was trying to do in their early twenties— all the self-sacrifice and loss for no tangible reason.

"Home sweet home," Minhyun muttered as he opened the door and turned the lights on. He glanced at Jonghyun and smiled at the absolute disappointment on Jonghyun's face. "What? Expected something else?"

Jonghyun shook his head and laughed, pulling his luggage in and closing the door behind him. "I guess I didn't expect it would look straight out of a showroom." Jonghyun leaned back and narrowed his eyes at Minhyun. "You _do_ actually live here, don't you?"

"Live and work, most of the time." Minhyun walked over to his piano. "I'm a music teacher now, did you know?"

"Yes, I'm aware. Surprised you even have students, seeing that you couldn't teach _me_ how to sing," mumbled Jonghyun.

"It wasn't my fault you're difficult!" Minhyun laughed and walked back to pick up Jonghyun's other bag. "So are you really okay with the couch—"

Minhyun stopped at the sight of Jonghyun's face. He wasn't… no, Jonghyun was rarely mad. This wasn't it. This was disbelief, with a twinge of sadness. Minhyun wasn't exactly sure anymore. Once upon a time, he could read Jonghyun's mood with just a twitch of his lips or a change in the brightness of his eyes. Once upon a time, Jonghyun could do the same with the widening of Minhyun's eyes or the way his nails dug into his wrists.

At that moment, Minhyun felt _sorry._ A lot could change in a year, but they didn't have to. Minhyun brought this upon them both.

_Please don't talk about it, please don’t even mention it—_

"The couch is fine," said Jonghyun, leaning his bag against the wall. "Are we going to have to share a shower again?"

Minhyun didn't know why he felt a flush on the back of his neck at the thought of that. "Don't worry, the guest bathroom has one."

Jonghyun smiled and leaned back on the wall, facing Minhyun. "Great. I'll be in and out before you even know it, I swear."

That… well, that wasn't exactly possible, not with the way Minhyun was hyperaware of himself whenever Jonghyun was around.

Minhyun hated the waiting, especially when he knew that the conversation was coming. Jonghyun was going to interrogate him over everything he did and _didn't_ do in the past year, and Minhyun wouldn't know how to explain himself. He usually never ran out of words, but Jonghyun always had that effect on him.

Instead, Jonghyun was a silent guest, simply settling down and hanging out by the living room while Minhyun studied the piano accompaniment for his student's recital piece. Sometimes Minhyun felt like he could turn around and no one would be there, that Jonghyun's arrival was just a fever dream of his, another unfulfilled fantasy that would hang over his head and his subconscious for days and weeks to come.

It was past six when Minhyun emerged from his flow and realized that he was starving. "Hey," he called out, turning to check if Jonghyun was really, _really_ there, "what do you want for dinner?"

Jonghyun bit his lip and looked up at Minhyun with bright eyes. "A tour, maybe?"

Minhyun had been living here for the past year, but to be honest, he wasn't as adventurous as he used to be. He took Jonghyun to a common food street, somewhere full of lights and people and things to do and see. He wanted to take Jonghyun somewhere nice, but for some reason, his mind was completely blank as he watched Jonghyun interact with the vendors and bring him back another small carton of food.

"Thanks for the food," he mumbled before shoving a piece of takoyaki in his mouth and instantly regretting all his life decisions. Minhyun laughed as Jonghyun nearly spat it out, but he managed to breathe through it and swallow the damn thing. "I… _fuck._ "

"Typical tourist mistake." Minhyun grinned as he nudged Jonghyun with his elbow. "Though _technically_ , you're not a tourist if you lived here at some point."

Jonghyun paused. "That was _twelve years ago._ "

 _"Fuck,"_ Minhyun whispered. "Now that you frame it like that, I feel like a fossil."

Jonghyun chuckled. "Imagine how Aron feels."

Minhyun laughed and thought about Aron for the first time in a while. He moved back to the US as soon as they disbanded, and just a short while later, he was married. _Married._ Minhyun remembered the rest of them all standing in a row as Aron's groomsmen, watching with bright eyes as he finally married his girlfriend of three years.

He remembered glancing at Jonghyun back then. He remembered walking along the beach with him as the reception went on, talking about everything that had gone and passed them after all these years. He remembered a moment, and then he remembered the heartbreak on Jonghyun's face when he talked about moving away. They didn't talk for a few months after that.

"You're, uh, a little quiet," said Jonghyun, cautious and slow. "I'm not used to it."

Minhyun laughed, as heartily as he could. "I guess living alone does that to you."

"Hey, I live alone too," Jonghyun retorted. "I also guested on that show, by the way."

Minhyun chuckled again, but it felt empty. "I mean, I live _alone_ alone."

"You didn't have to."

And _there_ it was. This was where it all began.

"I didn't have to. I _chose_ to," said Minhyun.

"Yeah, you sprung it on us and made it feel like we were pushing you away when we weren't, Minhyun." Jonghyun gripped his chopsticks. "You just… vanished. And then you acted like you didn't want to be in our lives anymore."

"That's not true—"

"Then why didn't you ever tell us when you were visiting?" Jonghyun stared at Minhyun with bright eyes. "Like, I don't know. If it was purely for your mom, didn't you think we cared about her too? Or was it something we did? Was it because of the disbandment? Was it because of your album—"

Minhyun's eyes narrowed. "Why do you have to bring that up?"

"I'm not bringing it up out of nowhere. I'm just— I needed a reasonable explanation a year and a half ago, and I _still_ don't have one." Jonghyun couldn't look at Minhyun anymore. "You vanished— no, you _chose_ to walk out, and I still don't know why."

Minhyun took a deep, deep breath. "I needed a fresh start—"

"I've heard that before. Try again."

"I was tired of the industry—"

"Try again."

"I failed as a soloist—"

_"Again."_

"I don't know!" Minhyun didn't think his voice was going to come out that loud, but it was enough to startle a group of office workers beside them. He dug his nails into his palm. "I didn't— this is _exactly_ why I never told you guys where I was. I knew it was always going to go back to this, and I just…" Minhyun pursed his lips. "We spent nearly our entire lives together. I think I'm allowed to start my own life now."

Jonghyun didn't speak, not for a while. Their food grew cold, the people around them came and went, but the two of them were stuck in a silence that felt too long, too stifling. This felt a little too much like the walk on that beach, and try as he might, he couldn't shake the idea that Jonghyun would take this as his cue to leave— that for once, it wouldn't be Minhyun leaving everyone else behind.

Jonghyun cleared his throat. "Jessie's giving birth really soon."

It took Minhyun a few seconds to process that. "Right, uh. Shit. Aron's going to be a _dad._ "

"Oh, wow." Jonghyun leaned back on his seat and stared at the ceiling. "Makes you think… shouldn't we have gotten somewhere by now?"

Minhyun swallowed the lump in his throat when Jonghyun turned his gaze towards him. "I guess."

"Or… maybe life should move at its own pace." Jonghyun stood up from his seat and picked their cold food up from the table. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

Minhyun didn't know how to respond to that, not anymore. "Let's go."

There was nothing. There was absolutely _nothing_ Minhyun could say to fix this. Jonghyun kept on walking as if he owned the place, as if he was the resident here, not Minhyun. Jonghyun's quiet confidence from their idol days never faded, but there was barely a speck of luster left on Minhyun after everything that had happened.

Minhyun didn't feel like turning all the lights on when he got home. Jonghyun seemed content enough to crash on the couch, but Minhyun chided him for lying on his furniture with his outside clothes. Jonghyun chuckled, turned around, and prepared to take a shower. Once again, Minhyun was alone.

Once upon a time, Minhyun wasn't like this. Minhyun's life was _nothing_ like this. He had a career and his family and his friends, and he felt like he was _alive._ He talked and he laughed. He was someone to so many people.

He didn't know when it started. Maybe it was after the initial rebirth of their career or right after that scandal or during his military service or in any of those music shows and award shows and interviews and livestreams and— _everything._ Maybe at some point, Minhyun realized that half of his life was probably gone, and yet he still didn't feel complete. Maybe something really was missing in his life, and he thought that running away would help him find it.

Well, he was wrong. Having Jonghyun here, taking him in with no second thoughts, trying his hardest to make this work… it was chasing after Minhyun, but he still refused to let himself get caught.

When Minhyun came out of his room with a bundle of blankets and pillows, he caught Jonghyun in the kitchen, staring at a near-empty fridge. Jonghyun looked down and bit his lip. "I'm hungry," he mumbled.

"You barely ate," Minhyun teased as he dropped the sheets on the couch. He walked to the cupboards and tossed Jonghyun a pack of instant noodles. "This feels familiar."

"This feels like pre-debut poverty, you mean." Jonghyun smiled and looked for Minhyun's electric kettle. They worked in silence mostly, something that was _not_ unfamiliar because they were used to doing this at the dead of night when the rest of the group were dead asleep. When they were kids, this was how they got to know each other: in the darkness of the night, barely awake but alive enough to take care of each other.

They sat on the kitchen counter and ate hot noodles in their pajamas. Somehow, more than anything else that happened to them today, this felt the most like home. A different place, a different time, and a little bit like they were different people, but _this_ was what home was supposed to feel like with each other.

———

Minhyun woke up to the sound of the shower heater humming in the background. It was 9:47 AM. _Fuck._

He got up and started making breakfast for himself, until he starkly realized that he had to make meals for _two_ now, something he hadn't done in a while. Hearing anything other than the quiet hum of his refrigerator and the heater of his apartment spooked the hell out of him, but he wanted to get used to it. He didn't know how long this would last.

"Good morning," Minhyun heard from behind him. "What's cooking?"

"Leftover soup and tea." Minhyun tilted his head back and smiled at Jonghyun. "You're up early."

"It's almost 10, Minhyun. I didn't think you were a late riser now."

Minhyun chuckled. "It's called _aging,_ Jonghyun. It'll catch up to you some day." Jonghyun reached up to get a glass from the cupboard and heard a crack somewhere along his spine. "Well, I guess it already has."

"We're just in our thirties; I can't believe life's like this already." He sighed and sat on the counter, ignoring Minhyun's huff of indignation. "In my defense, I've been on vacation for about a week. My body isn't _this_ bad when I'm at home." He got up again and started looking through Minhyun's cupboards. "And neither is my kitchen— god, Minhyun. Do you eat?"

"I do. It's just been a while since I last bought groceries." Minhyun reached over to grab a bowl and heard a crack at his hips. _"Fuck."_

Jonghyun laughed and poured tea for both of them. "Food runs out so slowly when you live alone, huh?"

"Ugh, you said it. I don't know how many cartons of milk I've accidentally let spoil because I forgot I wasn't living with four other people anymore."

A bucket of ice fell on both of them. Minhyun didn't know why; he didn't know why this had to be such a sensitive topic. They disbanded, they moved into their own places, and eventually some of them moved away for good. Isn't that how life naturally went? He didn't know why he had to feel sorry for simply stating a series of unfortunate events.

"Well, at least now we don't have to care about Minki and his weird diet phases," said Jonghyun, trying his best to move the conversation forward. Minhyun chuckled; Minki _did_ have weird diets, mostly before a photoshoot to ensure _'optimal photography conditions,'_ as he would say. Minhyun… really missed Minki sometimes.

"Now that you mention it, I really should buy groceries." Minhyun paused. "You want to come? It'll be a decent enough tour of the neighborhood too, hopefully better than last night's." Minhyun bowed his head and offered a bowl of soup and a silent, _'I'm sorry.'_

Jonghyun took it gratefully and hummed as he thought about it. "I mean, what else can I do?"

Minhyun huffed. "You don't have to _force yourself—_ "

"I'm kidding!" Jonghyun stared at Minhyun with bright eyes, the same fondness that Minhyun didn't know he had been craving. Once upon a time, that look was reserved just for him. Now, Minhyun didn't know if he had that place in Jonghyun's heart anymore. "Let's go."

Walking around the neighborhood with Jonghyun was… more peaceful now. He lived in a trendy area in the city, but a lot quieter since he wasn't in the city center. There were thrift shops and bookstores and all sorts of kids walking around, and sometimes Minhyun felt even more ancient than he already was just by being here.

"Okay, but imagine this: I was a guest host for a music show a few months ago," said Jonghyun over a slice of pizza, and they both shuddered at the thought of it. "There are kids born in _2010_ that are debuting now. Minhyun, I was _scouted_ in 2010."

Minhyun laughed at the absurdity of it all. "Okay, let me give it a shot. I have a student who was born in 2014, which was…" They both paused. "Our _first_ album."

Jonghyun groaned. "No _way._ " He buried his head in his hands. "We were nineteen back then. That's crazy."

Their conversation mostly revolved around time and how it passed them by, how embracing mundanity was… a welcome change. There was a pause as the two of them stayed at a records store and browsed at all the stacks of old vinyl. "Do you… ever miss it?" asked Jonghyun as he browsed the display.

Minhyun hummed in thought, trying to think about the last time he ever performed as an idol. It was when he was promoting his solo album, his _only_ album. Minhyun suddenly didn't feel like thinking about it anymore. "I guess… sometimes. Rarely." He sighed. Jonghyun knew exactly what he was thinking. "Sometimes I think it was just my dream, but not my passion. Like— I love music, I love singing, I love performing. But it's like I was sticking to it because I already came so far, you know? I've spent too much time and effort that I might as well just keep going because I was there already.

"And then suddenly, I didn't have you guys to keep me going." He noticed Jonghyun's pensive gaze. "Which… isn't really surprising. I don't regret it either. It was bound to happen, you get me?" Jonghyun took a deep, deep breath. "We had a good run," he said with a smile. "We achieved everything we could have, started from the bottom then peaked and just… ended."

"And isn't that better than drawing out the inevitable?" Minhyun swallowed the lump in his throat. "We ended on our own terms. We ended on a good note. That's… better than what others have had to deal with."

They both remembered some of their friends in the industry, people who had to jump through hoops to get the freedom they deserved. In the end, NU'EST chose to let go. They had a goodbye single and a final concert, and then they parted ways.

"I guess." Minhyun tried to ignore the hesitation in Jonghyun's voice.

The supermarket was nearby, so they went ahead without saying much. Minhyun usually just ate the same things over and over again, but having a guest made him care a little more about his choices. He didn't know how long Jonghyun was staying, but he wanted Jonghyun to know that he was _okay._ Minhyun knew that looking at him from the outside would make it seem like he was lonely and careless, but Minhyun was fine, really.

Lonely, _yes_. But that was okay.

Jonghyun didn't seem to think so. Jonghyun, who in all of Minhyun's life was the most introverted of them all; Jonghyun, who took years to break out of his shell and eventually became a bigger star than all of them; Jonghyun, who would collapse on Minhyun's bed after a long day of filming and wait for Minhyun to wrap him a hug before he fell asleep, which forced Minhyun to change his sheets the very next day. Now, Jonghyun was thriving, and Minhyun was the hermit. Seven years ago, Minhyun wouldn't have known this was how things would end up, but he learned to accept it.

The best thing about all of this was that Jonghyun… never really changed. There was still brightness in his eyes, lightness in the way he navigated the world with ease. He skirted through aisles and dropped food into Minhyun's cart without even batting an eye, and Minhyun didn't feel any need to stop him, not when he was seeing Jonghyun's carefree smile again.

Once upon a time, the universe seemed to beat that out of Jonghyun, making him fight tooth and nail to find joy in his life again. Minhyun was there, Minhyun struggled too, and then he had to go. The sparkle in Jonghyun's eyes couldn't mask the heartbreak hidden behind it, and Minhyun hated that he had to be the cause of that, over and over again.

"I'm exhausted," said Minhyun as he fell on the couch. Jonghyun chuckled and started unloading the groceries. Years of knowing Minhyun gave him enough instinct to figure out how Minhyun organized his apartment, and Minhyun trusted him enough to do just that.

"Hey," Jonghyun called out from the kitchen, "want me to cook dinner tonight?"

Minhyun sat up straight, fear in his spine. "Uh…"

Jonghyun narrowed his eyes. "I can cook now! I'm a _good_ cook now!"

Minhyun blinked. "I mean, you're not Minki, I _guess_."

"That is an _insult_ ," Jonghyun deadpanned. "My average is better than Minki's best."

They laughed at the thought of Minki's birthday a few years back, a little dinner celebration in the dorm where Minki promised he was going to cook them a feast. It was… a feast, definitely. For the eyes, for the soul, but absolutely _not_ for their taste buds. Still, dumb dorm moments were always Minhyun's favorite, and until now he could _not_ get the image of that disfigured chicken out of his memories.

"Go rest; I'll cook in a while." Jonghyun went back to sorting groceries.

"Are you sure you'll be fine?" Minhyun lied back down and glanced at Jonghyun's back.

Jonghyun peeked behind him and grinned. "I mean, I did force myself into your apartment, so… I might as well pay back the favor."

Minhyun trusted Jonghyun, of course. If there was one thing he knew wouldn't change about Jonghyun, Minhyun was sure Jonghyun wouldn't let him down. No matter what, Jonghyun would be there: steady, reliable, hardworking as ever. Minhyun eventually fell asleep to the sounds of chopping and quiet singing in his kitchen.

He didn't think he was sleeping deeply enough to dream, but Minhyun found himself drifting to a scene several years ago. They were filming something—he completely forgot what—but he and Jonghyun were walking around in a market and eating. Minhyun remembered hating how the cameras were there, hating how all the staff and crew were watching him and Jonghyun when he was here still hoping that he'd have a chance at being alone with Jonghyun for once.

He remembered eating until he was stuffed as they filmed and eventually wrapping it all up and giving their mics back to the staff. Before they left, Jonghyun tugged at his wrist and told their manager they were going out for a walk before going home.

Minhyun didn't hear what they were talking about. He felt like an outsider, watching this scene play out in front of him where he couldn't get any closer. All he could see was how they walked side by side, how the city grew darker and darker as they spent more time together, and how both their eyes widened as they grabbed each other's hands in the cold. And before Minhyun could see what happened next, he woke up with a jolt.

"Hey," Jonghyun mumbled as he put down his tablet. His brows were furrowed in concern. "Bad dream?"

 _No,_ Minhyun was about to say. It wasn't a bad dream per se, but he wasn't sure if it was a memory or a fantasy. If he looked at it in any other way, it would seem like a nightmare. But he shook his head in response and sniffed around to figure out what Jonghyun was cooking.

"The rice is ready. I'm just letting the beef stew rest for a bit before we eat," Jonghyun answered without prompting. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned. "I'm jealous of your nap, though, even if you didn't seem to be enjoying it."

Minhyun didn't know why that was the case. It didn't seem like he was struggling in his dream, and it wasn't something he… disliked. It just felt strange to watch that scene play out and not remember how it ended. He and Jonghyun walked around, they stayed out till late, they held hands… and then what?

Jonghyun ignored Minhyun's pensiveness and got up to browse through his bookshelf. "The contents of someone's bookshelf says a lot about the person, they say," Jonghyun mumbled. He thumbed through Minhyun's favorites from over a decade ago, the same ones he'd pass to Jonghyun as soon as he finished because he wanted Jonghyun to see into his world. Minhyun saw Jonghyun smile at the collection of their albums as a group, even the ones where Minhyun wasn't a part of yet. And then he stopped. "Where's— ah, there it is."

Minhyun's brows furrowed, and then he felt hot shame rising up the back of his neck as Jonghyun reached up to grab something Minhyun tried to forget was there. "Hey," he said softly, standing up to watch Jonghyun closely.

"Wow, a signed copy from the artist himself." Jonghyun smiled and looked up at Minhyun, tracing his signature with a figure. "You know, I really loved your album."

Minhyun huffed, already used to those meaningless words. "Sure. You and the niche group of people who actually listened to it."

"I'm serious!" Jonghyun browsed through the photobook and the dedications. "My name was on it, of course I loved it." He smiled. "Used to listen to it every day."

"'Used to'?"

"Yeah, when I missed your voice," he mumbled. Minhyun wanted him to make some joke out of it, to tease him for being an annoying roommate who wouldn't shut up, but there was too much sincerity in the way Jonghyun smiled at the album in his hands.

"And then you left, and I was too mad to listen to it anymore."

Minhyun sighed. _Of course._ He didn't want to say sorry anymore. He tried telling himself that he had nothing to be sorry for, but that was obviously a lie.

Jonghyun placed the album back in Minhyun's bookshelf, this time alongside their albums as a group. "But I still meant it when I said I loved it. No matter what people said, no matter how well it sold or whatever." Jonghyun chuckled. "I'm pretty sure half of your Melon streams came from me."

Minhyun laughed and wrapped his arm around Jonghyun's shoulder, pulling him into a hug. "Thanks. Really."

He wasn't ashamed of the music, no. Minhyun loved every second of making that record, missed Beomju and Dongho making fun of him as they wrote lyrics and recorded late into the night. He sat in his apartment for days, trying to figure out the right words, to write what he truly felt, but he never really got it until Jonghyun came over and noticed the distress in his face.

 _"Writer's block?"_ he said, sitting down beside Minhyun on the floor and browsing through all the discarded scraps of paper. He stopped at one of them, a short verse that Minhyun wrote first before scrapping the idea entirely. _"Let's… try."_ Jonghyun cleared his throat. _"Let's try working with this."_

That song turned out to be Minhyun's favorite in the whole album, something that he and Jonghyun made together. He would have asked Jonghyun for a feature, but Jonghyun wanted the work to be all his. He said they spent years doing everything with their group attached to it; Minhyun deserved to have his own accomplishments.

But he didn't. It was a moderate success, but not enough to encourage Minhyun to keep going. And it _stung._ Once upon a time, Minhyun had this idea that he could be a star, and right after he finally achieved that, his sparkle started fading away. Maybe it was age or the hiatus for his military service or the ever-changing trends, but Minhyun just couldn't keep up anymore.

Maybe he didn't lie to Jonghyun last night. Maybe that really was why he felt like leaving all of a sudden.

Jonghyun was holding their last album, going through the photobook with Minhyun's arm still around his shoulders, when Minhyun heard his stomach grumbling. He groaned and rested his chin on Jonghyun's head for a second before stepping back and heading towards the kitchen. "Man, I hope this stew is good."

"It better be; I stole it from your mom," Jonghyun said as he took the bowls from the cupboard and started serving.

Minhyun had to pause. "You… when?"

Jonghyun smiled to himself. "I visit her every now and then. When she was in the hospital, when she just got out, and now I stop by every few weeks." Jonghyun served Minhyun a bowl and smirked. "She has a picture of me in her wallet."

Minhyun scoffed. "You are _not_ her favorite son." He paused. "That might be Dongho, but I'm not sure."

"It's definitely not you, though." Jonghyun sat across Minhyun in the dining table and waited for him to take a bite. "Well?"

Minhyun… was brought back to their house in Busan, in the first place he ever considered "home." This was his mother's recipe, alright, from every flavor note to the heat at the very end of the bite. He remembered his mom making this every fourteenth day of the month; Minhyun didn't know how he knew that, but he just _knew._ He remembered eating this when he was sad, when it was cold, when he was young and carefree.

Now he was in his thirties, alone in a foreign country, eating this very same dish with someone who he considered home for a very, very long time.

"Feels just like home."

The smile on Jonghyun's face was enough to make winter a little more bearable that night.

———

Minhyun was almost spooked when he saw an unfamiliar pair of boots in the entrance of his apartment— and then he remembered, _oh right,_ Jonghyun was here. "I'm home," he called out, a little surprised at how easily that rolled off his tongue.

"Welcome home," Jonghyun mumbled, nose buried in a book. Manga, actually, as Minhyun expected. "Had a good day at work?"

Minhyun groaned and fell on the couch, his head falling on the throw pillow Jonghyun was using as an armrest. _"Boring."_ He rolled over to bury his face in the pillow then looked up at Jonghyun with a pout. "How was your day?" Jonghyun paused, motioned at the giant paper bag full of mangas on Minhyun's coffee table, and went back to reading. _"Jonghyun,"_ Minhyun said lowly, "how the hell are you going to bring all of those home?"

Jonghyun shrugged. "Consider them a gift from me to you?"

"I—" Minhyun sighed and lied back down. "At least you had a good day. I've been doing paperwork for _hours._ "

"There, there," said Jonghyun as he stroked Minhyun's hair and tangled his fingers in his locks. "Go take a nap. I can heat leftovers for dinner in a while."

"Thanks."

Only when Minhyun closed his eyes did he realize that this was so… _domestic_. In another life, maybe this would be their reality. If things had turned out this way or that, maybe this would be something Minhyun could take for granted, much like he did with all the time they once had.

His phone rang. An alert from an app he hadn't heard from in a while, for people he hadn't heard from but now was starting to want to. Minhyun got up and saw that it was Aron. _Huh._

"Hello?"

Minhyun's jaw dropped as he saw Aron with a _baby_ in his arms, grinning from ear to ear. _"Hi,"_ he whispered before handing the newborn back to the nurse and showing it once more. He left the room and slumped into a chair. _"Hi."_

"Holy shit," Minhyun whispered. "Jessie gave birth?" Aron nodded. "You're a _dad?_ "

Jonghyun joined the conversation, squeezing himself into the frame to give Aron a bright smile. "Wow, this is unreal."

Aron's brows furrowed. _"I didn't know you two were together."_

Minhyun's ears grew warm. "Yeah, he's crashing on my couch for god knows how long." Jonghyun punched his arm weakly. Minhyun just laughed it off and turned to look at Jonghyun. "He's a good cook, though."

"You're underselling me, Hwang." Jonghyun grinned and turned back to Aron. "So? How's the baby? How's Jessie? How are you?"

Aron laughed, and they heard the exhaustion even without seeing it. _"After 4 hours of labor, we are now parents to a girl. A_ girl! _Jessie's knocked out in her own room, and I'm going to pass out as soon as I finish signing some more papers… but fuck. I'm a dad."_ He laughed again, but this time, there was a little more life to it. _"It's crazy."_

"It really is," said Jonghyun. "Congrats, Aron. You know what— I'm going to cook up something special here to celebrate. I'll be right back; I'll call you later." Jonghyun leapt out of the couch and grabbed his coat, dashing to the supermarket to figure out what he was going to make.

Minhyun blinked as he watched Jonghyun go and smiled at Aron's sleepy face. "Congrats. You… should probably get some rest. We'll send you pictures of our dinner."

Before Minhyun could drop the call, Aron stopped him. _"Hey, wait."_ He bit his lip. _"What's with you and Jonghyun?"_

Minhyun's brows furrowed. "There's… nothing. He went to Tokyo for work and decided to stay a few more days with me. It's nice— to have someone around," he added quickly.

The concern on Aron's face was not new. He knew a little too much, he always did. To be honest, he was the member that Minhyun talked to the most— and that was mostly because he left too. If Aron was allowed to start a new life far away from them, why wasn't Minhyun allowed to take that same opportunity? He didn't resent Aron, no. To be honest, he was jealous of him. A part of Minhyun still wanted that simple life, that peaceful life. Although he got a semblance of it here, a part of him felt… incomplete.

He hadn't been feeling that way for the past few days.

_"It's just… you said he was the one you talked to the least, and now he's here, living with you."_

"He's not _living_ with me; he's just—"

 _"Knowing where to get groceries? Cooking for each other? Cuddling on the couch?"_ Minhyun was trying very hard not to pay attention to Aron's smirk. _"This is dangerous territory for you, and you know it."_

There was nothing dangerous about having Jonghyun around. Yes, it was still a little awkward at times. Yes, Minhyun still felt guilty for essentially ghosting them. Yes, Minhyun had a lot of thoughts he never shared with Jonghyun despite all the years they spent together. But _no,_ nothing was spilling out of him tonight, nothing was going to fall apart. He didn't need to overthink this anymore.

"So…" Jonghyun winced as he popped open the bottle of champagne over the kitchen sink and laughed as it poured bubbles all over his hand. "I'm pretty sure you can handle this kind of alcohol, at least." Jonghyun poured him a flute and watched him take a hesitant sip. " _Please_ tell me you can handle this."

Minhyun clicked his tongue. "Not bad," he mumbled, though he could feel the heat in his cheeks after another sip. _Now_ Aron was right; _this_ was dangerous territory. They sat on the living room floor, eating the rest of their dinner and drinking more and more as they egged each other on.

Jonghyun clapped his hands together. "Ask me something."

Minhyun blinked. "What?" he said with a very, _very_ soft slur.

"I mean, I came here to catch up with you." Jonghyun traced the rim of his flute. "We've talked a lot, but there's still so much I don't know about you."

"You know everything about me." Minhyun didn't realize he was leaning forward, just close enough to see the sparkle in Jonghyun's wide eyes. "You ask first, if you want."

Jonghyun paused. "Do you… think going into variety was the right decision for me?" Minhyun was a little taken aback by that. "I mean, I just… I feel like a sellout sometimes, you know? Like I just jumped on what would keep me afloat instead of what I actually wanted."

"Which was?"

"I guess… to run away." Jonghyun stared into Minhyun's eyes, his chin digging into his knee. Minhyun could feel Jonghyun's cold toes digging into his shin. Minhyun attempted to press closer. "I guess that was why I was a little mad at you for a while. I was jealous that you were able to do what I couldn't even imagine doing for myself."

Minhyun never saw it that way. He always thought Jonghyun just wanted to please others, to keep bringing the joy he'd been giving them all this time. Maybe their situations made more sense now: they've always wanted the same thing, but it was always one or the other who couldn't act on it.

"It's never too late," Minhyun said, though he didn't know what he meant by that.

Jonghyun shook his head. "Maybe. But it sure feels like it is."

"I just… think that there's no right decision. There are just decisions— and the consequences of them. You just live with it and don't look back." Minhyun bit his lip. "It's kind of how I think about—" Minhyun looked around him, "all of this. I just made the choice to go, and even if it gets lonely and sad and boring most of the time, I just tell myself this was what I wanted at the time, and I have to live with that."

Jonghyun smiled a little. "Don't know if that's actually good advice."

Minhyun took a sip. "Well, it stops me from thinking the way you do. And that stops me from driving myself insane."

They stayed silent for a while after that. Minhyun didn't trust himself anymore, didn't trust the warmth in his ears or this strange urge to hold Jonghyun in his arms and _maybe_ not let him go. Once upon a time, he knew the taste of alcohol and how it mixed with the taste of tears and the softness of heartbreak's kiss. Once upon a time…

"My turn," said Jonghyun, still staring at the depths of his now-refilled flute.

"It was your turn earlier," grumbled Minhyun.

"You forfeited your turn by being so _quiet._ " Jonghyun narrowed his eyes. "That's just weird coming from you."

Minhyun laughed and leaned his head on the couch. "Go on, shoot."

"Have you dated anyone since we broke up?"

Minhyun's heart skipped a beat.

"The group. Since we disbanded. Since you left home."

Minhyun swallowed the lump in his throat. "A coworker, briefly."

Jonghyun was quiet. "You do tend to do that."

Minhyun didn't want to continue that conversation. "And you?"

"An idol, briefly." Jonghyun's eyes looked wistful.

"Younger?"

"Our age. But we're his seniors." He paused. "My friend. My good friend."

Minhyun didn't like the direction his mind was headed, but the alcohol dulled his inhibitions significantly. "Sounds like your type."

This silence was different from the last ones. This felt heavier than ever, felt like it was suffocating Minhyun and waiting for him to give up the act and call it quits. He didn't know why they were like this to each other, why they could only go a few hours without hurting each other but going right back to it whenever they found the opportunity to.

Jonghyun dug his cold toes deeper into Minhyun's shin. Minhyun leaned forward and rested his forehead on Jonghyun's knees. Once upon a time, this was enough comfort to satisfy them, to cool them off. Today, it felt like a 'sorry' that couldn't slip past their stubbornness.

Today, Minhyun felt the urge to hold Jonghyun in his arms and not let him go. Today, Jonghyun felt that urge too.

Much like every other day, their own desire slipped right through their fingertips, right as they thought they were both reaching for it. Minhyun settled for his hand on Jonghyun's shoulder. Jonghyun settled for his chin on Minhyun's shoulder, just shy of the warmth they were truly searching for.

———

_"Minhyun. Minhyun, wake up."_

Minhyun groaned as he rolled over and wondered why Jonghyun was speaking in _Japanese,_ of all things. It dawned on him that, _right,_ they were in the damn country, and… fuck, it was almost 10 AM.

_"Minhyun, you have a student."_

"Fuck." Minhyun got up and buried his face in his hands, bracing himself for the headache that was coming. "Can you… make him wait for a while? Just until I get dressed."

To be completely fair, this was _not_ Minhyun's worst hangover. Getting a hangover on champagne was pretty embarrassing; Minhyun was used to being shit on for his tolerance, but he didn't think it would get _this_ bad as he aged.

He peeked out of the room and saw Jonghyun and Minato on the couch, talking animatedly about… Minato's _keychain,_ of all things. _"No one ever talks about this anime,"_ Minato said, quiet but eager. Minhyun had never seen him that happy, but maybe that was Jonghyun's effect on people. Maybe he was just so good at bringing joy to people. Maybe that's why Minhyun's life always felt empty when he wasn't around.

 _"Good morning,"_ he greeted Minato. The boy turned around with wide eyes, and Minhyun almost felt sorry for seeing his smile fade away. _"Let's start?"_

Jonghyun quietly sat on Minhyun's couch as they had their lesson, but Minato was oddly okay with that. When they took a break, the first thing Minato did was sit down beside Jonghyun and talk to him about his favorite character from this manga or the newest episode of an anime showing this season and all sorts of interesting niche things that Minhyun never made the effort to find out about his pupil. It felt strange to watch this scene unfold, like he was an outsider to both of their lives.

Partially, yes. A year wasn't enough for Minhyun to get to know Minato the way Jonghyun did in a matter of minutes. A year—and a lot of distance—was enough for Minhyun to effectively push himself out of Jonghyun's life.

Jonghyun walked Minato to the train station when the boy basically dragged him out to go with him. Minhyun let them go with a chuckle and half-hearted reminder that Minato still had homework for next week, but he didn't mind watching Jonghyun bumble around as a kid looked up at him with bright, sparkling eyes.

Jonghyun was a frequent recipient of that. From the trainees that they guided when their career was starting to come to a halt, to the kids that they had to compete with on that godforsaken show— Jonghyun was always the one people looked up to just for being himself. He wasn't exceptionally talented, wasn't exceptionally good looking, but there was something special about the way he pushed himself off the ground and faced the world with those same bright eyes.

Once upon a time, Minhyun looked up to Jonghyun too— until his armor cracked and Minhyun realized that what Jonghyun really needed was someone else to lean on. No one expected him to be perfect, but he always had to be _good,_ to be _strong,_ to _keep going._ Sometimes, what Jonghyun needed was to break. When Minhyun finally saw that side of him, he knew he needed to be the rock Jonghyun could fall back on.

But… this? _This?_ A two-way ticket probably bought ages ago that would tear Jonghyun from him in three days? This felt a little like deceit, like pain that was weighing down at his heart when it stumbled upon the fact that Jonghyun was going to leave very, very soon.

"Hey, that kid is really—" Jonghyun stopped when he saw Minhyun reading the details on his printed ticket. "I… okay. Yeah, I'm leaving in a few days."

"No, that's not just it." Minhyun checked the date of purchase one last time. "This is a two-way ticket. When you came here, you knew you were going to extend your stay. You… said staying was an impulse decision." He stared at Jonghyun. "I don't get it. Why lie?"

"I—" Jonghyun smiled, all bright and pained as always. "I don't know. I guess… I wanted to run away."

Minhyun tried _so hard_ to ignore how his heart skipped a beat. "What does that have to do with me?"

He knew what it had to do with him. He knew exactly what Jonghyun was trying to do here. After all these years, everything that's happened to them— _between them_ —how could he not know?

"I've always been jealous of you, Minhyun." Now _that_ took him by surprise. "I was jealous of you because you… did the _one thing_ we promised we'd do together, after all the madness was over."

That was… 2019, when Minhyun had come back from Wanna One. He was back in the dorms, he was sitting on the bed across Jonghyun's, and they realized that for the first time in months, they were truly alone. No managers waiting outside to take one of them "home", no bandmates ready to walk in on them, no fans watching their every move. Just the two of them in the middle of the night, catching up and talking about how their lives have truly, _finally_ changed.

_"It's crazy though."_

_"What is?"_

_"Everything."_ He sighed. _"Sometimes, I want to disappear before anything can get any worse."_

_"What if things get better and better?"_

_"Then_ you're _crazy for thinking that."_ They laughed. _"I mean, no matter what happens, we won't be the same by the end of all of this."_

_"This?"_

_"The fame, the shows, the music, the fans. One day, it'll be over, and who will we be? What will we still have?"_

_"…"_

_"…"_

_"… each other, maybe."_

He laughed. _"Why aren't you sure of that?"_

 _"I mean,_ you're _crazy if you think we won't change by the end of it all. What if we're completely different people? What if you're a famewhore and I end up hating your guts?"_ They laughed at the mere thought of it and at just how stupid he sounded. _"But to be honest, I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with you, in one way or another."_

_"… me too."_

_"…"_

_"Let's escape."_

_"What."_

_"At the end of it all. You and I in… Japan or something."_ He paused. _"Maybe somewhere more neutral, if that place still gives you nightmares by then."_

_"And you're saying we should just leave this all behind? Some 'you and me against the world' shit?"_

_"Why not? If it's over, then it's over. No contracts tying us down, no more expectations. Just us."_

_"… do you think you'll still choose me, after all that time?"_

He paused. _"I don't doubt it. Not for a second."_

Minhyun chose his own freedom, away from Jonghyun. He always wondered if he should have asked Jonghyun, if that was a decision they could have made together. But… Minhyun was a failure. Jonghyun was not. Jonghyun had a career, something tying him down. Minhyun couldn't tempt him out of that life, that _good_ life, in good conscience.

But _would_ that have been the good choice? _Would_ that have given Jonghyun some peace, some happiness?

Would he have chosen Minhyun, after all that time?

Only now did Minhyun get an answer to that.

"At first, I thought about buying a one-way ticket and just… praying to every god up there that you would still want me." Jonghyun was fidgeting now. "I don't know when I changed my mind. I guess I just realized I can't run away from everything; that's just not me."

"But you still came."

"I did. Because I still wanted to see you." Jonghyun smiled. "Most of this plan was hinging on whether or not you'll take me in."

Minhyun narrowed his eyes. "'This plan'?"

Jonghyun shook his head and bowed, that same little smile on his face. "This dumb plan to bring you back home somehow."

And this was where Minhyun found the opportunity to crack a smile, just a little, before the rest of his emotions started to shut down. "I'm tired, Jonghyun."

Jonghyun smiled. "Me too, I—"

"I'm tired of defending myself, defending my choices."

Jonghyun's expression faltered. "You'd really… _choose_ to be here? To live like _this_?" He shook his head. "This is _really_ what you want for yourself?"

Minhyun… was truly, genuinely, bone-deep exhausted. And even though his day just started, he didn't feel like going through with the rest of it anymore. When he closed the bedroom door behind him, Minhyun had just one thought: _don't leave yet. Please don't leave me just yet._

———

When Minhyun woke up, he was starkly reminded that Tokyo was a lonely city.

Jonghyun was gone when he woke up. He texted and said that he was going out for a jog, and Minhyun checked to see if his luggage was still in the living room. It was there, sure, but something about the atmosphere was completely _wrong._ Still, yesterday would not have been the goodbye Minhyun wanted for them, so he was glad to have gotten a second chance. Knowing Jonghyun, he would have wanted a second chance too.

So Minhyun went on with his day as normally as he could. He didn't have any lessons scheduled for today, so his boss let him go early. It would have been a good opportunity to come home and fix things with Jonghyun, but… Minhyun wasn't really ready for that.

It was cold. Very, very cold. Minhyun couldn't imagine how Jonghyun could go out for a jog, but he was stubborn that way. Even when it was difficult, even when he was in pain, Jonghyun trudged through the muck and always came out victorious, in one way or another.

Minhyun squeezed his way through the city streets, trying to use the hustle and bustle to drown out his thoughts. Seoul was a little bit like that, except it sounded more like stage assistants yelling in the background and cameras flashing and his own voice blasting in his ear as he tried not to dissociate in the middle of a performance. There were always distractions, always things to hide behind.

As the day passed and the air got colder, he knew he had to go "home", wherever that was.

Jonghyun was on the floor of the living room, blankly watching the news as he nursed his second bottle of soju. That… wasn't a good sign.

"Hey," said Minhyun, soft and quiet as he took a seat on the floor beside Jonghyun. Jonghyun was still staring at his shot glass. Somehow, Minhyun got the idea that this wouldn't exactly be a conversation.

Jonghyun sighed. "You know what I meant… when I said all those things." He grimaced. "I don't know when we decided that we weren't going to talk about it, but somehow, that's where we still are. I don't… know why. I really don't."

Minhyun had an answer to that, but he was going to let Jonghyun finish his piece.

"Thing is, I think it's stupid that we don't talk about it when I think I've been in love with you for the better part of fifteen years."

Minhyun's eyes blurred for a millisecond.

"… don't know. I mean, I do. I mean that. I just… I don't know why we're always like this. Even if we feel— even if we _both_ know. Just… _every single time._ "

Minhyun didn't notice that Jonghyun was staring at him already. He didn't notice the way Jonghyun crawled forward, the way he took Minhyun's clenched fists and unraveled them to press a soft kiss on his palm. He didn't notice until Jonghyun kneeled over him, held his face in his hands, and leaned down for a saccharine kiss.

This wasn't their first time, _no._ Minhyun knew where to place his hands, knew how to draw Jonghyun in if he wanted to— and he _did._ There were no more pretenses, no more lies. For a single moment, Minhyun's only thought was: _finally._

Kissing Jonghyun tasted a little bit like soju, a little bit like lost youth, a little bit like the various "homes" he had in his life, and how their common denominator was that Minhyun had always wanted Jonghyun to be a part of that. Jonghyun and his bright smile, Jonghyun and his odd sleeping times, Jonghyun and his morning kisses; Jonghyun who cried, Jonghyun who faltered, Jonghyun who fought and fought back, over and over again; Jonghyun in every sense, every sensation, every second of the day.

For a moment, feeling Jonghyun crumple up over him and holding him in his arms felt _right,_ felt like the home Minhyun had always yearned for. Every time they broke away to breathe, it felt like the air they were breathing had just enough traces of the _reality_ that they didn't need right now, _not yet._ So they dragged each other close, dragged each other in, dragged themselves under— until the creeping traces of reality that weighed on them grew heavier and heavier until it was a little too much for Minhyun to simply ignore.

"Jonghyun, we—" Minhyun turned his head to the side, feeling the Jonghyun's disappointment in the kiss on his jaw. "No."

Jonghyun pulled back and hugged his knees, eyes shining once again. "You know—" He chuckled, mirthless. "I don't know why I still try. Not after— it's like _every single time_ we do this, it's you who says we can't."

Minhyun didn't know how to respond to that. "What?"

"I mean." He twiddled with the sleeves of his sweater. "Before you left home. When— when I was about to enter the military." Jonghyun took a deep, deep breath before looking up at Minhyun. "When you were about to leave the dorms to go to Wanna One, and even when you came back. _Every single time,_ I still tried, even if I knew you were going to find a way out of it." He stared back down at his palms. "Even if I know you and I have felt the same way since we were kids."

Minhyun scoffed— an involuntary response that tried to mask the hurt that was already blooming in his chest. "'Ever since we were kids'?" His eyes narrowed. "Jonghyun, I— first of all, you always choose to start this when we're about to separate, as if— as if you _want_ this to fall apart by choosing the worst possible time. Why? _Why_ do you do that?"

"Maybe— I don't know." Jonghyun paused. "Maybe I hate the idea of not having you around. Because for some karmic reason, you're always the one leaving me behind." Jonghyun looked around at where they were, at _why_ they were here. Partly, he was right. "But you… you still said no to me when you came back. When things were _good,_ you still didn't want to try. And I was telling you, I'm— _I'm_ the leader. I'm the one who has to deal with the brunt of everything. So why were you acting like your life was going to fall apart because of _me?_ "

Minhyun clenched his fist and closed his eyes. "Because you… did the exact same thing to me."

"What?"

"You tell me that we've felt the same way since we were kids. You tell me that— when you were the first one to tell me we shouldn't— that we couldn't? Not out of your obligations as a— a fucking _leader_ or whatever reason you gave me… _fifteen_ years ago?" Minhyun was trying to keep his voice leveled, but the crack in his last few words revealed a little too much.

He had a little puppy love crush on Jonghyun when they were trainees, when Jonghyun was the shy boy who had way more control over his limbs than Minhyun could even imagine having. Minhyun came in late, but he worked his ass off to make sure he was going to debut with Jonghyun, to make sure that he was going to be by his side. So when Minhyun confessed that to him, when their MV came out and they had their first taste of success, he didn't think that the response he would get would be… such a _cop-out._

_"I— I can't. I'm the leader. It's not— I can't."_

Minhyun could scoff at it now, but the sixteen-year-old in him was still reeling. The next day, they got up, went to practice, and moved on with their lives. But Minhyun never, _never_ moved on from Jonghyun.

"And then when I tried again, when we were— we were _here,_ and everything was falling apart, but _I_ was here for you, Jonghyun. What did you say? What excuse did you pull out of your ass again?" Minhyun grit his teeth. "You told me… we couldn't afford to slip up right now, that we couldn't make any mistakes." He tried not to look into Jonghyun's eyes. "Because _we're_ a mistake. _This_ is a mistake. It was a mistake when things were good, it was a mistake when things were bad, and I don't know why you don't still think it's a mistake now that things are… _over._ "

Things _felt_ like they were over when they last lived in Japan. It felt like an aimless race, a constant struggle to keep themselves afloat when there was really nothing for them at the shore. And in those dark, dark days, Minhyun held Jonghyun close and whispered that he still loved him— soft and slow against his lips.

The timing was off, of course. He couldn't deny that maybe Jonghyun was right in that aspect. But… to call it a _mistake?_ A _disaster_ waiting to happen? It felt like a slap on the face, colder than Jonghyun's lips or the hands that were shaking as they rested on Minhyun's shoulders.

Of all the possible responses, Minhyun didn't expect Jonghyun to chuckle and smile with his cheek leaning on the side of the couch. He pressed his lips together and took another deep breath. "It's like you and I just… never meet each other halfway, huh?"

At that, Minhyun could chuckle. "Like we both choose the exact _worst_ moments in time to do this, yeah."

"But…" Jonghyun tried to catch Minhyun's eyes. "This isn't one of those, right?"

Minhyun frowned. "Are you— we live in different countries. We still— it's not like the universe is going to _magically_ accept us together now just because we're not idols."

"But why _won't_ it, Minhyun? When has the universe ever actually said no? How could it if we've never even tried?"

Jonghyun was… right. They were always getting ahead of themselves, always nipping it at the bud because they were too scared of letting it grow. They were always too scared that this would be too good, that this would all be too good to be true. So maybe, _just maybe…_

"What if… you're the one good thing that hasn't happened to me yet?" Minhyun swallowed the lump in his throat. "What if we try and we're happy, but the universe was right all along and we don't work out? What will I think about when I'm sad, when I'm lonely, when I miss you?" His hands were shaking as he reached out for Jonghyun's. Somehow the way Jonghyun trembled in his hands gave him the slightest bit of comfort.

"What… what will I look forward to now, Jonghyun?" Minhyun stared into Jonghyun's big, sad eyes. He knew his gaze was something along those lines too. "Am I allowed to admit that I'm— I'm scared?"

Minhyun leaned forward and rested his head on Jonghyun's knee, waiting for the arms that enveloped him in a hug. He felt Jonghyun's breathing falter for a second, heard a sniff and the soft humming of a familiar melody against the fabric of his shirt. It was the song they wrote together, Minhyun's favorite song. It was the one thing they shared, the one admission of everything that they never allowed themselves to put into words until then.

_Even if a second life that’s different from now comes to me, the one thing I can say is that I’m going to be by your side._

———

Minhyun woke up before Jonghyun which was… strange, to say the least. He had many opportunities to watch Jonghyun at his most peaceful before; being roommates for three years gave him that privilege. But he never had the chance to do that now, now that Jonghyun was a guest at his home, now that Jonghyun slipped into his life and was about to vanish once again. This didn't feel like goodbye just yet, and after everything last night, Minhyun didn't want it to be.

Jonghyun woke up to the smell of a hangover cure cooking in a pot, and the sight of his sleepy face groaning and hiding as soon as he saw Minhyun on the other side of the couch was enough to draw out a chuckle from Minhyun. "Good morning," he whispered, sensitive enough to know that Jonghyun was regretting his entire life at this moment.

"Morning," Jonghyun mumbled before groaning at the scent of his own breath. "Bathroom."

"Down the hallway to the left, if you can remember." Minhyun laughed as Jonghyun pinched his arm in his struggle to get up.

To be honest, Minhyun was afraid of what was going to happen when Jonghyun woke up. It wasn't like they hadn't gone through this before; the entire scene from last night could be condensed in a simple timeline of their relationship— or lack thereof. Still, it was different now. It was always going to be different every single time, but the ending seemed pretty fixed: one of them was going to find an excuse to avoid this, the other was going to fight back, and they would go back to their state of limbo, just barely crossing the fine line between like and love until the next episode.

The bulk of his fear vanished when Jonghyun emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and completely embarrassed. "That was…" Jonghyun was fiddling with his fingers, nerves causing him to shake in his seat.

"It's fine, Jonghyun. It's—" Minhyun chuckled, a little tired. "It's not the first time." He took a deep breath. "Somehow, I still doubt that it would be our last."

Jonghyun looked down at his hands, but Minhyun could see the ghost of a smile on his lips. "Yeah. Well."

They were quiet for the rest of the morning. It was mostly for the sake of Jonghyun's hangover, but there was comfort in the idea that they were okay, that they were going to be okay no matter how many times this happened between them. Jonghyun still tolerated Minhyun's obnoxious laughter, Minhyun still obliged to Jonghyun's silly requests, and they still felt the same as they did before this incident— because it would take everything to shatter and fall before they allowed it to break their relationship.

Jonghyun fell asleep on Minhyun's chest as they lied on the couch, watching TV shows in English that they could just loosely understand. Minhyun loved the weight, loved the warmth on his chest. This was something they did often when they were roommates, when no one bothered to check up on them whenever they were alone together. Back then, Minhyun always struggled with the urge to pull Jonghyun in closer, to taste his lips as he had before. It was an unspoken rule: to let it simmer until they had to let it boil over.

But now… now, Minhyun could. There were no managers, no nosey roommates, no crazy fans, no concerned parents. It was just them, in the here and now, and Minhyun was starting to appreciate the freedom that he fought so hard for. 

Minhyun's phone was ringing. It was a more familiar ringtone now, no more surprises from people back home. "Akihiko?" he said softly, trying not to wake Jonghyun up.

It was his coworker, a percussion teacher. _"We're having lunch in Shibuya, me and the rest of the office. Yukiko has a voucher for a place; it's cheaper if there are more people. Want to come?"_

Minhyun was a little infamous for never coming to these get-togethers, mostly out of sheer laziness, but sometimes It was because he didn't want to be with the same people over and over again. He never resented his former bandmates—both sets of them—but there was something a little suffocating about the thought of being around people for that long ever again. It was mostly because he couldn't imagine ever sharing a part of his life as large as the part he shared with his brothers, so why waste his time trying to get there?

But… there was a point he had to prove, another side of this life he had to show to Jonghyun. It wasn't all that bad, it wasn't always lonely, and maybe, _maybe_ Jonghyun could have a place in it again.

And when they got there, Jonghyun, he… _huh._ He did it again.

There was just something so magnetic about Jonghyun, something that immediately made people's walls go down when they were with him. First, it was Minato— _no._ It was the countless trainees and staff and fans who immediately fell for how genuine he was, how he simply exuded kindness. It was his one defining trait, the one image of his that wasn't just a façade; it was all true, through and through.

And before anyone else, there was Minhyun, Minhyun who fell hard and fast for the boy who would continue to enchant him years and years and years later.

Now, Minhyun wasn't too keen on showing off his voice, especially not in an office of people who _actually_ studied in conservatories and stuff, but Yukiko's voucher was for a karaoke room and, well, Minhyun wasn't about to back down now. Especially not when Jonghyun was here— Jonghyun with his sleepy eyes but bright smile, Jonghyun and the way he easily charmed his coworkers and helped them force Minhyun to pick up the mic for a song.

"I can't— I _really_ don't want to," said Minhyun, even as the remote and mic were already on his lap.

"Weren't you an _idol?_ " Akihiko teased, already tipsy just a little bit past noon. "You too, Jonghyun! We want to see it, come on!"

"Ah, fuck." Jonghyun bit his lip and looked up at Minhyun with apologetic eyes. "'Bridge the World'?"

Minhyun chuckled and started scrolling, already resigned to their fate. " _'Namida'?_ "

Jonghyun sighed and started stretching. "Let's see if I still remember the choreography to this."

They… didn't. Well, the dancing was a bit of a train wreck—it _had_ been twelve years since they last performed this song—but the music was still there, always. It was always going to be one of the many, many threads that tied them together. Jonghyun loved the sound of Minhyun's voice, and Minhyun loved the raw emotion that was always present in every one of Jonghyun's performances.

Minhyun thought about life like this, if they had continued with being idols, even as soloists or—if the universe permitted it—a duo. They'd be together all the time, doing something that they eventually learned to love, making the music that would speak to their souls. It felt a little too late now, but it was still a good fantasy.

There were many things about Jonghyun that seemed too good to be true. He was always too kind, always too hardworking, always too beautiful. Everything between them was easy— until it wasn't. By some magical method, however, they found their way back to each other. They said that the universe was always working against them, but wouldn't things be much, much worse if it actually were? How could they explain _this—_ their constant refusal to completely give up even if they were always teetering back and forth between being _something_ and saying that they're _nothing?_

And in that moment, surrounded by the applause of his coworkers, the lingering sound of the karaoke machine's background music, and Jonghyun's soft laughter muffled against his shoulder— Minhyun made his decision.

The train ride back to their neighborhood was quiet. Minhyun was suddenly reminded of the last time they all had to live here, the embarrassment they had to deal with as kids in full costume and makeup on the way to a schedule. They endured it because they had each other, but now that entire ordeal was over. It was over, and they were… still here.

On the walk back to his apartment, Minhyun reached out and held Jonghyun's hand. There weren't a lot of people who passed by this area; it didn't matter. It didn't really matter, but it felt good. Felt right. Jonghyun, in many ways, was right for Minhyun.

He didn't want to look at Jonghyun's reaction. He didn't really have to; the gentle folding of his fingers over Minhyun's was enough of a response.

"Why'd you choose this neighborhood?" asked Jonghyun, huddling behind Minhyun to block winter's cold dusk air. Minhyun turned a little to catch his eye. "I mean, to live here. Since your work is still a few stations away, why stay here?"

"I… didn't really think about it much. We always wanted to go here, right? When we lived here?" Minhyun didn't have many fond memories of their promotions in Japan, but he did remember all their conversations as a group about what they wanted to do and where they wanted to go if they had free time.

"Yeah, I remember that."

"Well, this was pretty much the only place I thought of when I was deciding. I didn't even appreciate this place that much until I really started to live here. I mean, it's kind of… it kind of reminds me of myself." This time, Jonghyun was walking beside him, cautious of the pensive look in his eyes. "It's a quiet neighborhood, an old neighborhood. Filled with old things, discarded over time."

"Minhyun—"

"But there's still life in it, yeah?" Minhyun smiled and looked around. "There's art and creativity and _life_ here, and that's why it's still thriving. That's why everything that was once discarded still finds a place to… just be." The streetlights and signs were casting all sorts of weird shadows on them, but they weren't nearly as harsh or as glaring as the stage lights they grew up under.

"I get it now," said Jonghyun, staring straight ahead, "why you're here. Why you don't want to leave."

"Yeah?" Minhyun unconsciously started squeezing his hand a little tighter.

"It's a good place for you. We've lived… a really long, stressful life. You— _we_ deserve a fresh start."

Minhyun stopped walking and pulled Jonghyun to a halt. "… but?"

"But I don't think I can stay."

_Of course._

"We have our own lives now. I can't— I can't force you to leave this behind, and you can't force me to stay." Jonghyun took Minhyun's other hand and cradled them against his chest. "I don't know where that leaves us now."

Minhyun didn't know either. He was… afraid. He'd always been afraid. They were stuck here—stuck in limbo for the past week—because the fifteen years of cowardice had finally caught up to them, and this time, they knew there had to be a choice.

"Am I never going to see you again?" asked Minhyun, soft and quiet. "If I don't go now, is this really the end?"

"Do you want to go back to pretending this never happened?" Jonghyun let out a soft chuckle, pressing Minhyun's knuckles against his cheek. "We've done it before; I'm sure we can do it again."

Minhyun shook his head. "I don't really think I can keep that up anymore. I love you, Jonghyun."

"I love you too."

No frills, no need to delay this any longer. It wasn't like they were hiding it, no, but this time, it felt a little different.

It felt a little bit like Jonghyun kissing him in the middle of a red light on the way to the airport. Minhyun expected it, Minhyun leaned right in, but when he pulled away, there was still a little shock written on his face lingering on his face. Jonghyun just kept driving. He just kept going as if nothing happened, but all Minhyun could see were the tears threatening to spill over with a single word.

Tonight, Jonghyun looked almost exactly the same, but he was smiling now, gentle and soft. "I can't keep visiting you like this," he whispered, warm breath ghosting over Minhyun's knuckles. "I have to pay rent, you know."

Minhyun stepped a little closer, huddling for warmth under the streetlight. "And so do I. I earn _less_ than you now, so who's going to adjust?" Jonghyun laughed, pulling Minhyun's hands to wrap around his waist. "But… I can probably take a few days off work every now and then. Just to visit home."

"Right, right." Jonghyun held Minhyun's face. "Home."

"Yeah." Minhyun leaned down and pressed their noses together. "You."

It was cold that night, terribly so. Coldest night of the month, according to the weather reports. Still, they couldn't feel the numbness in their fingers and toes, not when they were too busy laughing at their lips awkwardly pressing together in the dark as they stumbled their way up to Minhyun's apartment. There wasn't much they could focus on other than the absolute _urgent_ need to hold each other close as soon as possible.

This was new, genuinely new to them, but there was something oddly comforting about… the _inevitability_ of it all. From the very moment that they met, from the first time Minhyun confessed his feelings to the last time Jonghyun did the same— this was always where they were meant to be. It took fifteen years and a thousand kilometers away from the starting point to get to the finish line, but they were finally here.

Older now, but still eager, still in love.

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #244: Post-disbandment. Both in different cities, Jonghyun and MInhyun reflect on the chances they had and didn't take, what could have happened but didn't.  
> It takes a reunion night and a kiss/night spent together to throw everything into shambles. Will they finally take a chance on them? 
> 
> HELLO WELCOME TO THE END 
> 
> good god this took forever (thank u so much to the mods for your patience huhu and congrats for the successful fic fest !!!)  
> tbh i hope this isn't the future for the boys ;;;; just thought it would be interesting to explore this alternate universe since we have no idea how things could develop within the next 7 years and we also don't know if they could change as people from the image that they show to us today sooo ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> THERE ARE SO MANY EMOTIONS and tbh ive been writing non stop for like ,,, 2 weeks HAHA so just talk to me if you have comments and questions !!!!
> 
> names are from the persona series HAHAHHA look i didn't know who to put 
> 
> title from "Second Life" by Seventeen (and also the song lyric in the middle of the fic) & summary from "Home is Far Away" by Epik High (feat. Oh Hyuk)
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/amenochieien)](https://curiouscat.me/amenochieien)!!


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